broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in pieces as i took the fall I feel so broken right now and I am not enjoying it. I'm having major urges to cut myself to the point of needing stitches again. Why? Seemingly for attention. I've realized how it looks like everything I do is for attention, but it isn't. It's because I want it, I need it, I crave it. It's like a fucking parasite that I can't rid myself of. The only thing that's stopping me from doing anything is soccer. I have soccer practice in 45 minutes and I can't show up with gashes all over the place. After this though, everything is up in the air and confusing and stressful and scary, and I just don't want to think about it all. Gah. My meeting at Ledger is tomorrow and I'm really nervous about that too. I know I've gone over my goals with a million people and established that they are good and insightful and all that, but I'm afraid they are going to laugh in my face and send me away. Gah, and how I need this admission to work out for me. I have a "plan" again. That worries me. I should not be making plans. I should not be doing these things. I should be happy, look at my fucking life. It's fucking perfect. I have a fucking happy family, I am good at school, I have food on the table every night, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. And look at me. I try and take it all away from myself when there are millions of others who would give anything to have what I have. Mental illness is a scary thing, friends. Anyway I'm outta here. -xxx- 2:45 p.m. - 2004-04-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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