broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell So an update on how Ledger is going. This is my first weekend out, I've been there since Tuesday. It's going really, really well. My primary worker is Cindy and I get along with her so well. She can almost tell how I am feeling before I am fully conscious that I am feeling it so helps me to recognize the feeling early and get through it when it gets really rough. I find it easy to trust her and tell her stuff, so we've been working around some really difficult to talk about issues. My secondary worker, Dale, is also very supportive and easy to talk to which is good, though I've been more busy and not around in the evenings when he's been there but he'll be on days next week so hopefully we'll get to work together more. He's always telling me that every day is a success, no matter what happens, because I still got through and I've still accomplished so much that it doesn't matter. Makes me feel good. Anyway, I've got a room to myself which is good as the majority of other kids in there are 11/12 year old boys. I've been trying to get along with them though, hah, to earn my points for "Supporting Your Peers". We had a family therapy group on Thursday night during which everyone and their parents and siblings got together and talked about the theme of the week (this week being self-esteem). I was quite surprised to find myself speaking up four or five times in front of everyone. Usually my anxiety prevents me from doing things like that, but today I even called Pizza Hut back after they forgot to give us our Pepsi and talked to Customer Service and answered the door and everything. It's almost surreal, it doesn't feel like me. Anyway, at the group I found myself getting triggered by something I said. We were talking about what parents do that makes their kids feel bad, and I said doubting them, which made me think a lot about my mom and all the times she's lied to me and I got angry and panicky and the room started to shake and I wanted to leave the room, but I didn't. Blah, I don't know why everything is so friggin confusing. I feel paralysed by all the decisions I will be needing to make next week and it's making me panicky. STOP. I DON'T NEED TO FOCUS ON THIS RIGHT NOW. I CAN WORK ON THIS WITH CINDY LATER. I try to make these things work but it's so hard not to get stuck in the old patterns. Today I had an opportunity to OD which I did not take. Am I proud of myself and feeling strong? Or am I disappointed? I wish I knew. I wish I didn't even have to fucking ask. No one should have these thoughts. Gah, it's not fucking fair. I'm at 2 1/2 weeks self harm free. Yay me, hah. I don't even care. The only reason I don't is so Ledger doesn't find out and kick me out. I really want the program to work. Fuck, this is hard. I don't know what to do. Damnit. -xxx- 10:58 p.m. - 2004-04-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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