broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is it getting better, or do you feel the same? I try so hard to beat the demons but it feels so fucking useless right now. I need to curl up into a little ball and cut and cry and fall apart and maybe even die I don't know I just know I'm stuck and scared and I want out of this and soon. I don't know that I can last until tomorrow evening when I go back to Ledger. I might not make it which is scary but true. Gah. I'm having bad thoughts. Want to beat them out, cut them out, cry them out. I went driving today, out on the highway for the first time ever. It went good I guess. I didn't hit anything or nearly hit anything or screw up and I even parked a couple of times decently. Maybe I am finally getting the hang of it. Gah, distracting myself is not working. I should just sit here and ruminate in these horrible thoughts but I do because I get stuck. I know I should take out my list and do one of those things but it's so hard. I can't make a decision right now, I find it so difficult to use just that little bit more effort, so coward that I am just takes the easy and painful and destructive road. I keep thinking about the police report and worrying that they won't be able to press charges. I haven't heard back from Ian yet so I don't know what else I can tell him that might help him to go in the direction of court, but if it does go that way do I want that? Do I want to have to face HIM again? I don't know, fuck, it just makes me panic. Everything is getting spinny again. I'm losing control so fast. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I can't let everyone else and myself down by giving up. So what am I supposed to do? How do I get through when the feelings are this big and horrible? It feels like all the work I've gone is disappearing. I'm backtracking at 100 miles an hour. Blah, I donno wtf I am saying anymore. -xxx- 4:03 p.m. - 2004-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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