broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blinded by the silence of a thousand broken hearts I had a major reality check while walking home today. Everything is so real, this is all really happening, and happening so fast. It's like I have so much control and yet none at all. It's kind of scary, really, to think about, as it makes one feel powerlessly empowered. I'm not making sense, but that's okay. I know what I mean. I've been thinking a lot about dying and whether or not I really want to do it. I mean, I have these thoughts constantly, so I guess a part of me does, but I also don't always act on them. More often than not I don't act on them, so does that mean a bigger part of me wants to live? Or does it mean that I am just waiting for the opportune moment, the moment in which I know I will not fail. It's confusing. I've been having all sorts of horrible violent thoughts again, ones that involve me jumping in front of speeding cars and off bridges onto the highway. It's scary and calming all the same time, so it doesn't really bother me much. I'm lonely right now, except I don't want to be around anyone. I make no sense sometimes. It makes me sad that the world is such an unhappy place. I just wish there was something I could do to change it, instead of contributing to it. Sadly, I am too selfish and self involved to do anything. Still no word on when the health care strike will be over, I'm predicting sometime early this week. Should be going back to Ledger soon. -xxx- 7:52 p.m. - 2004-05-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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