broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be I cut myself last night. Finally. On my ankle bone, & fairly deep. & I don't really feel anything about it, which I know is probably bad, because I am finding myself just wanting to do it again and more. The only reason I stopped was because Mare was coming down the hall towards my room & I didn't want to get caught. Everything is getting more & more complicated. I've got a list of people who've been flirting with me and asking me if I mean anything to them and wanting to get together with me and I just want to scream and throw myself out a window. I should be flattered, I guess, but it feels like negative attention and the relationship part of my life is just not a good place for me to be going right now. Without that, I might actually... be okay. Ugh, I'm such a bitch. Sorry. Cindy phoned me today - first time I'd talked to her since I was discharged, just over 3 weeks ago. Funny, cause I was saying today how much I wish I could talk to her. Then just hours later she phones. Anyway, it was really good to talk to her again. I told her about all the somewhat positive things in my life & how I've been since I got out of EMP and her words of praise and encouragement made me feel so... perfect. I miss her. Way, way too much. She helped me more than even Allison did. I cried like a baby after I got off the phone though. I snuggled up and Lucia (cat) let me cry with my head buried in her fur. It was sweet, she knew I needed her comfort. Then I came downstairs, tried to keep my composure, but of course I broke again & Shara gave me a hug. Today we went to the fair in Esquimalt. Went on a few rides, ate SHITLOADS of junk food, hopped a bus home. It was really fun. Not many people were there so there were no lineups for anything. & I finally broke my plateau!!! I lost more weight, yay!!! I've been going crazy, & after the fucking feast I ate today & kept it ALL down, I thought I would gain for sure, but I lost. *smiles* I'm really tired. And triggered. And really, really sad. I want to curl up with Mario and Lucia and cry... I hope they are waiting for me in my room. I'm such a fucking baby. I hate it. -xxx- 9:35 p.m. - 2004-06-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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