broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tonight i lack the strength to even move i have been in bed all day. its 20 to 7 now. just been reading & sleeping & crying & aching. i cant even move, i just feel like nothing. i dont even know what happened, everything was going so good. im not pregnant, ive been so honest with everyone about whats going on, ive been rebuilding my life... but i guess i just got TIRED. im living on nothing right now. minimal calories, throwing up, not to mention the other thing... but i know who reads this & i dont need the lectures. i guess it finally caught up with my though, ive broken the first of my short term weight loss goals. 19 more pounds until the next one (ive already lost about 30) & then 30 pounds until the next. we will see what happens when i get there but that wont be awhile anyway. this morning when i got up to go to the bathroom, everything started getting black as it has been doing lately when i stand up, & next thing i knew i was on the floor with a massive headache. i had passed out & hit my head on the bed frame. i must have lied on the floor for half an hour just sobbing. something snapped in me, i havent cried in so long. i cant live like this much longer. i dont want to die, i really dont... i want to be able to let go of the self destruction. i want to embrace the fucking GOOD THINGS that i have in my life & stop tearing myself to pieces. but unlike with cutting & suicidal thoughts, when im just fucking with my eating everything CAN be ok on the outside. i can be 'happy', have friends, go out, talk to people... its too easy to fake. & im starting to hate it. -xxx- 6:41 p.m. - 2004-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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