broken-gurl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you've got it all, still you're counting your riches I'm cold. Not just a little chilled, I'm fucking freezing. Wrapped in blankets, wearing pants & hoodie & long sleeves, the heat is on. Ugh. I hate being this cold. My hands are like ice. I saw Amanda yesterday... I talked a bit with her about feeling stupid about going to her because I'm not even thin, & she said that actually I do appear underweight for my height & build (& that is while wearing baggy clothes. Eeps) & that I had every right to be there. I don't like to admit that I have an ED. I don't. But... I do? I don't get it. I just know that it's making my life a living HELL right now. & the best part is yet to come! *sarcasm* Amanda told me that she's only in a temporary position. She's covering for a woman who's been on long term leave, but will be back in December. Just enough time for me to get attached & trust her, & she'll leave. So what does this make, 5? 6 times? Jesus. Fucking counselors need to stay in one place for more than a few months. I've been suicidal again sometimes. Not to the point of making plans & wanting to carry them out, just to the point of being so depressed and unhappy with myself that I do not want to live. I often feel like when I go to sleep I won't wake up. Everything has slowed down to a dull ache, & it's difficult to remember what I am fighting for. Oh well, 12 weeks SI-free now. Nearly 3 months. Crazy... I've been doing a fair bit lately. Took my Foodsafe course & passed (yay!), been doing stuff with friends, going to appointments, calling my mom, driving, etc. Work phoned this morning at like 7:15 going "Sara, we need you to work at 8!"... urgh. I hate saying no when I'm on call, but I have an appointment with Joel today, as well as a mock road test. I could have used the extra 5 hours, too. POOOOOP. Well, I work again on Saturday & my schedule is absolutely insane for that week what with work and school, so maybe it's good I've had some time off. Heh. Goddamn it, the phone won't stop ringing this morning. It's driving me INSANE. Argh, I'm going to fail my mock road test. I'm so nervous. EEEEEEk. I was so pissed last night, I wanted to go to Kate's band's first show but I couldn't get bus fare! There's like no change around. Anywhere. & Laura was out so I couldn't even beg a ride off her. Gr. Hate that. So I missed it, & that sucks. I don't know how the hell I am going to survive the next hour & a half, but oh well. I'll have to. Eek. I need to phone my doctor soon too. Amanda wants me to go back. Double eek. -xxx- 10:16 a.m. - 2004-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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